In 1996 I found out I was going to become a first time mother. Scared out of my wits not knowing what to expect, I knew I had to give up something to be a wonderful mother. I could not work, be a new mother and a full time student. So, I gave up college for now. My boyfriend (now my ex-husband) finally asked me to marry him on Christmas Eve. Eventually things did not go so well and we ended up splitting up. Some how things always seem to work out and we got back together. This pregnancy was very hard on my body and we had some complications due to Preeclampsia/Toxemia, but I managed to pull it together and we had a healthy beautiful baby girl Kariann!!!!   Just when you think you have everything but before you know it everything just slips away right in front of you. Once again he left and this time I told myself I would never take him back. Silly, what you do when you think you are in love!

Time went on and Kariann and I were doing just fine until July of 1998, when I was attacked in my own home by a (former) co-worker. This some how brought us back together and we finally got married in May of 1999.

October of 1999 I found out my best friend Michael was killed in a car accident. He moved away earlier that year to Illinois to be with his mother. We talked throughout the year, but something inside me told me I needed to contact him as soon as possible. I tried to find his email address online and knowing I had his number I still did not call. On October 31, 1999 I was told to call his mother and when I asked to speak to Mike. She informed me of the terrible news. 

Michael was killed in a car accident. After hanging up the phone I was alone in my kitchen and never have I felt so alone. I kick myself in the butt for not picking up the phone and seeing how he was doing. His mother and I keep in touch with one another. With this I believe we keep his spirit alive and that is why he visits us in our dreams once in a while!!

                Just when I was able to enjoy life with my daughter potty trained and sleeping through the night. I found out that I was pregnant that December. I was not ready for another child and neither was my body! I thought my first pregnancy gave me trouble. I was in for a rude awakening!!! Come to find out, I was having a baby boy. What a number he did on me. I was in and out of the hospital with this one. Due to kidney problems, Preeclampsia/Toxemia,unable to walk or wear shoes for 3 months, I was told this would have to be my last pregnancy.  Any more and it just might kill me. We had Kohen in August of 2000. He was a month early and he weighed 7 lbs and 3ozs.  I can only imagine if he went full term!  CAN WE SAY OUCH!!!!

        The pain and suffering was not over, it just started. I had him in the afternoon and I was unable to see my son until about 9:00 that evening. He was having difficulties with his lungs. He was breathing very fast and as he ate fluid would go into his lungs. We went home on a Monday and I was back in the hospital that following Wednesday with Post Preeclampsia/Toxemia. I spent a week in the hospital while Kohen spent a week in an incubator for Jaundice. I was very emotional.  I had just given birth and I have yet bonded with my son. It was one of the longest weeks in my life. After coming home from the hospital, I got a call from Kohen’s doctor telling me Kohen has to be on a heart monitor for 3 months 24/7 to see if he stops breathing due to his lungs. Hearing that monitor going off in the middle of night knowing your child has just stopped breathing is a sound you do not want to hear. (When will this nightmare ever stop?) Kohen’s lungs were able to adapt and his lungs finally became normal and healthy.

As timed passed by I became older and more mature. The things I needed and wanted, I was not getting. I kept telling my (ex) husband that I was not happy in our marriage. He kept telling me it was a phase I was going through. There were a lot of differences between us. I had to make a very hard decision and do what I think is best for my children. I knew he would never be the man I really wanted him to be. He just did not want to change his ways. In 2001 I finally had the courage to stand up for myself and tell him it was over.

Wow, I finally stood up to him. I was scared to death, not knowing what he would do to me or my children. I knew I was taking a big risk. A risk of not knowing what would happen next! That’s just it, you don’t know what to expect. You have to take one day at a time. You can wish and hope for something to happen down the road, but it doesn’t always work out that way.

In December of 2001 my world was about to change! An old classmate of mine Will contacted me thru Classmates.com before I knew it we ended up having dinner and drinks. We have been together since our first date! Each day just keeps getting better and better. Now, I truly understand what it means to be “IN LOVE” and “LOVED BACK”.

Just when I thought my luck was changing and starting a new life. I am about to fall flat on my face and struggle to get back up and brush myself off. It took a lot of strength, love and support from friends and family.

It all started in January of 2002 I was in the hospital for bronchitis. I was asked to resign from my job after I got out that very morning after being there 3 years.

In March of 2002 I received a great job offer and I accepted this position. As it turns out that I became sick. I was in and out of the hospital for bleeding and chronic pelvic pain. One month away from my 90 days and they let me go for not being “bubbly enough”.  If anyone knows me, they would know that that is a bunch of crap!!

I was now unemployed, getting sick and have my two children to support. How in the world can I do this? I felt so embarrassed, ashamed and I have failed as a person. I could not sit here and dwell on it, even though I did behind close doors. I would not let Kariann, Kohen or Will see my pain and suffering.

Even though I was always in and out of the hospital, I pushed myself back to work and school in the fall of 2002. That November I had to go see a cardiologist and do a stress test. At the age of 24 I had to have a cardiac catheterization done.  In December I learned that I was going to have surgery in January. Again, I had to give up work and put school on the back burner!

January 2003 was one of the roughest years I have ever been through! I had a laparoscopic surgery for endometriosis. I was having so much pain and discomfort and tried every method of medication to stop me from bleeding. In March I had a D&C done and if this did not help then the next step would be to have a hysterectomy.

WHOA!!! WAIT A MINUTE!! I have to have a hysterectomy and I am only 25 years old. I am out of school and not working, still supporting Kariann and Kohen on my own. With my loving and very supportive boyfriend, family and friends I had to make this decision and proceed with it. Knowing I am unable to work until after this surgery. I had no choice but to have this surgery. I had my hysterectomy on May 27, 2003 two days before Kariann’s birthday!

Of course in the middle of all of this I have started my divorce and it’s already begun to be ugly!

As I was recovering from my surgery on July 30, 2003 I was sitting at the computer doing some work and before I knew it I begin to feel my mouth ache. Almost if I just gotten a sudden tooth ache, then the pain moved over by the bottom of my ear. I could not tell if I was getting a tooth ache or an ear infection. I just knew I was in so much pain. Towards the evening I realized that I could not close my right eye. “What is going on with me?”, I thought.  I stood in my bathroom staring into the mirror seeing my face change right before me! I could not feel my right side, my face is droopy and I am in so much pain. First thing that came to my mind was, “Oh My God, I just had a stroke and didn’t even realize it.” It seems that I had developed Bell's palsy.  What in the world is Bell's palsy? Well, let me just sum it up for you! Bell's palsy is a form of temporary facial paralysis resulting from damage or trauma to one of the two facial nerves. It is the most common cause of facial paralysis.

Researchers have stated that anything from 6 months to a year will become permanent. I will be going on 3 years this July. In the very beginning it was extremely hard to even look at myself in the mirror. The real sad part of it all is I can’t even enjoy a milkshake due to me having to suck through a straw! I just take one day at a time with this. Hoping one day I will wake up and be able to have a full smile once again.

Well let’s see…  I just had surgery in January, a major surgery in May, developed Bell's palsy in July, what in the world could possible be next?

 By August I wasn’t doing any better and I had to have another laparoscopic surgery to find out why I was in so much pain. I also developed Interstitial Cystitis.  It is a chronic inflammatory condition of the bladder.

Wait!  It gets better from here I promise! Okay, well I lied! In September I had to have an Upper Endoscopy for mild gastritis. October I had a colonoscopy for bleeding and IBS. Then in November I had a cystoscopy done.

All of this in less then a year! I was at my wits end and it was just not getting any better! 2004 is right around the corner, do you think I even had a good New Year. Nope!  It felt like I was digging my grave deeper.

I remember waking up each day and taking around 18 to 20 different medications and pain killers, sleeping all the time and just plain sick. I was so sick that I was not spending that much time with Will, Kariann, Kohen, my family and friends. I could not even go outside because I would turn bright red from the sun, even through my clothes. I just wanted everything to go away. Everything! I knew I was hurting everyone, but no matter what, they stood right there by my side and supported me.

In August I had another laparoscopic for scar tissue. In the middle of all this I develop a red butterfly rash on my face. Come to find out that my blood work came back positive for Lupus. Lupus is a chronic inflammatory disease that can affect various parts of the body, especially the skin, joints, blood, and kidneys. Not to mention how many migraines I get each week since I was a little girl.

It was now October, and I had to do another colonoscopy. As I am getting a check up with my doctor for Lupus I am now told that I also have Fibromyalgia syndrome.  This is a widespread musculoskeletal pain and fatigue disorder for which the cause is still unknown.

I was resting one afternoon when I woke up with severe head pain. It felt as if something burst right above my forehead. I ended up going to the hospital they ran every test on me that you can imagine. I ended up having a spinal tap normally they stick you once, but they stuck me a few times! I was down on my back for about a week. I was in so much pain, that I had to go back to the hospital. They took out too much fluid and had to take blood from my hand and injected back into my spinal cord. 

Keep in mind that during all of this I am still battling my divorce! It has been a long road. He calls once in a while and sees the kids once in a while! So not only do they see their mother sick. They also see their father slipping away.

I finally got a job after being out of work for two years.  I was finally hired by my attorney. Go figure! I was still standing in my hole, looking up to see the ladder, trying to figure out how I was going to get out of this rut. November came, and I had another stress test done. That December I honestly thought I was going to die. I had gotten one of my severe migraines and nothing was working. I went to the hospital and immediately they started IV fluids and gave me pain medication. I remember lying there all alone and feeling sleepy. The next minute I feel like I have to go to the bathroom right there. I can feel my breathing becoming very shallow. My heartbeat was slowing down. I remember hearing the beating of my heart in slow motion. I felt like I just had the life sucked right out from me. I called for help, but no one came to me. Finally when someone did they put me on a heart monitor and my heart rate was below normal. As I laid there in the bed all alone I could only think of my children, Will, my family and friends. I was not going to give up. Then all of a sudden immediately my heart rate started increasing above normal. I was a walking time bomb just waiting to explode. I came home and I was so scared and so upset that I wanted nothing more then to give Kariann and Kohen hugs, kisses and to hold them. Most of all to be in my baby’s arms… Will held me so tight and from that day on I had a very difficult time with my heart and sleeping!

The roller coaster ride did not end there. Two weeks after that, while I was at work, my heart rate jumped so high that they had to call an ambulance at my new job and I was once again I was back in the hospital. I was diagnosed with Tachycardia. Now, I have been diagnosed and I knew how to fix the problem. A new year was right around the corner. What a New Year to remember! Will and I spent New Year’s Eve in the hospital because of me having chest pains. It was several hours before I could leave! Once again I managed to ruin an event because I was sick.

I welcomed 2005.  What is in store for me this year? I followed up with a new Cardiologist and had to have another cardiac catheterization in February. In March I developed severe gastritis and went months before anything could be done. Finally, in June I could not bare it any longer and was hospitalized for a few days! Once again I had another Upper Endoscopy. Each time I’ve had this procedure I have woken up in the middle of it. July we got into a car accident and ended up hurting my legs and back.

Mental Note to Self: Don’t ever brace yourself or hold onto the dash board when you see an accident coming. In the end you do more damage to yourself!

August 1, 2005 I became single once again. I finally got my divorce and I was so happy… I had been waiting for this moment since we separated in 2001. By this time, my ex-husband does not contact us.  He just recently moved out of state and requested to give up all of his parental rights. However, Kariann and Kohen have a wonderful father. Will has been so good to them and what can I say, but they love their daddy.

I had it!  Enough was enough! I was so sick and tired of all the medications I was taking. Going to several different doctor’s for check-ups. Not spending any time with my family. I said to hell with this and stopped everything.  I stopped going to the doctors and threw away every single medication I had. I took each day slowly. I even quit my job after a year and went back into the flooring industry, one of the things I enjoy most!

I am doing so much better! I still get very red out in the sun. I continue to get migraines and body pains here and there, but I have managed to stop going in and out of the hospital. I don’t take any medications unless I think I absolutely need them. I changed my daily habits with more exercising, eating healthier, drinking herbal tea and taking vitamins regularly.

I just want to stress my gratification to Will, Kariann, Kohen, Jennifer, my parents, my sister and the rest of my family and friends. Thank you so much for standing by my side from 2002 to this day. You have supported, helped and loved me and never gave up on me! Thank you all and I love each and every one of you dearly from the bottom of my heart. I also appreciate every day I have with you! And like; I said before;    “Yep,    This    is    me…”